Silence defined by a broken heart.

Silence

awkward

necessary for my sanity

yet

torturing me.

I still stand in silence.

Not saying a thing and

careful that my actions

don’t contradict what I’m feeling

still I refuse to mime

to a broken hearted love song,

so I do nothing.

I do nothing outwardly

but inside there’s a war zone.

Frankly,

my love for you side is winning

and the truth is I’m angry because it’s so strong.

I guess I never realized when I made the decision to love you.

It’s so beyond out of sight,

out of mind

or pressing the rewind button

and everything reverses to where it was before…

When you were my boy toy,

for lack of better term.

When my heart didn’t burn because you weren’t there…

  

So,

now I’m stuck with you,

most likely for the rest of my life,

you in the fiber of my being,

flowing in my blood like you belong here

demanding squatters’ rights

refusing to be evicted.

I’m stuck with thinking of you

when I do those little things you did that I thought was mundane…

and because the tears are going to flow as Niagara Falls,

I take a quick pause and do nothing.  

I stand in silence and hope the pain go away.

We weren’t known for quickies

and I’m not sure why I thought this healing process would be different.

It’s been almost six months

and you’re still right here with me

as if you had never told me,

we weren’t working.

After which I had to force feed,

Breath

and sleep for months

because

I really couldn’t see living one moment without you.

To this day

I’m trying to survive one day at a time.

So, I just be.

I try

to love myself

plan time with family and friends…

you know, doing me.

I try very hard not to think about you.

I try not to picture your smile at that very moment he cracked a joke that I know you’d laugh,

and I fill that space with nothing.

Now here is a laugh,

I call myself moving on

because this is been too long,

you’re unknowingly holding my heart captive.

I give myself audience to another.

Now, I’m afraid that no one will ever find a place in my heart

because it’s occupied by you,

with a note saying belongs to another.  

Not because you were all that great,

or the most compassionate,

or even the nicest man in the world…

But it’s because I decided to love you.
Which made you perfect.

And because I’m a slave to my decision

I do nothing but stand here

pray that someday

I can simply have a day without thinking of you.

I forgive me for the broken heart

I try and

piece my shattered life together without you.

Until I can do that…

I'll continue to do nothing.

I'll stand in the shadow of silence.

Well, except for this written word…