Leola ponders....: Perpetual Outcries….

Leola ponders....: Perpetual Outcries….: "I hear the moans and cries in the backgrounds… The loud burst of tears from my sisters through out the years… Blood seeping from their fac..."

Perpetual Outcries….

I hear the moans and cries in the backgrounds…

The loud burst of tears from my sisters through out the years…

Blood seeping from their faces and no one to give them a warm embrace….

virginities taken and babies molested…

silent words never spoken…hidden secrets generally forbidden…

I’m angered by the lack of compassion and frustrated with the momma’s acting…like what’s happening... ain’t…daddies exploiting their authority demanding from her… what isn’t his to take…I’m just mad…

Mad at hearing every other grown women still a child because of the pain that lingers in her veins… she don’t even know who she is because of his…refusal to keep his…nature to himself… and our rape culture that suggest to every penis walking that …if you see it and want it its okay to take it and/or no doesn’t mean no…its just her wanting to say yes…

How dare we…sit by idly allowing the sexual abuse to perpetuate…destroying generation after me…my daughter and granddaughters and their granddaughters would most likely by a victim if we continue at this state…a state where the knowing is refusing to speaking and the hurt is refusing to heal and all those involved continues to live life as it is…its insanity

I hear her cries…I feel her pain…I refuse to drift in a state of denial and act like what she has gone through is just her being “fast” and asking for it…

I scream…to the world…WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!  Cause the moans are growing louder and the cries are getting stronger…no longer in the background but in our faces…no longer from strangers but it’s our own babies…  

What happened to "Sisterhood?"

I hear more and more women say they do not have friends…women friends…and I wonder how do they survive, live? I wonder what happened to sisterhood. I think I wouldn’t be alive without my sisters (I know you say way to dramatic but I am for real). If not physically I would be like almost emotionally dead without them.

What has happed to women that we cannot trust, confide in or love one another? I am not sure. For me I haven’t experienced such betrayal from my girls that I would want to cut them out of my life forever…Who the heck would I talk to if I “exed,” my girls. I mean I know I said I talk to my man about everything but…y’all he tries to fix everything I tell him…I mean he’s great but he is still a man.

I thought I would share with you some positive friend experiences and hope you have successful friend relationships also…Cause to me friendship is a vital part of me being successful in my life. I may have killed one of my children without my friend…and…I may not have finished college…or left my lying cheating abusive husband…more importantly they may have been left in some bad situations without me…

So, I have several categories of friendship and relationships… first is my super support team, secondly, are my close friends that I love to talk to and hang out but they are not on speed dial in case of a crisis. Third are the people that I want to have fun with but we really don’t share intimate details with each other…I would say, our relationship is a bit shallow…however, we are there for one another if we need each other…and finally, it’s the people who, I don’t expect them to be there for me but I don’t mind being there for them.

My super support team is like you ain’t ever leaving me, every time I have crisis or good news I call you first …this is only about five people. They are cheerleaders, correctors, accountable partners and teachers…This group gives me hugs, love on me and pop my butt when I need it… I call them super because they must be to deal with me and keep me in line for years.

Now my close friends are people I see on a regular basis. I hang out with them I would eventually tell them the serious stuff in my life if I think they can handle it and I would be there for them if they need me. This group is pretty small in size. I believe I only have seven people who fit in this category.

Now the more causal relationships have a lot more in a group. The third group however is the group where people transition in my world. This is where I define what type of relationship we will have.  In this group I am very careful what I disclose to them.

Finally, because I understand that not everyone in the world can be of service for me, but I can be of service to them. I have this final group. In this group would be people that I care about and would assist them if I can however I am not expecting anything in return.  These people I understand they really cannot give me much because of the position they are in and I need to accept that. And I cannot be so self centered and selfish to be its just about me…I need to understand the limits of the people I love.

Understand the limits of the people we love maybe the answer to the question I asked earlier. What has happen to sisterhood? I believe we don’t really look at the people in our world, accept them for who they are and place them in your world based on an accurate assessment. It’s my belief that we have some unrealistic expectations on our sisters. For example I am not going to tell someone in group 3 some private information and expect them to keep their mouth closed when they not only tell all their business to everyone but their close friends also.

Its our responsibility to pay attention to the people we have in our lives….assess them determine where they should be in your world and love them for just that…Also, another thing I believe has happened to our “sisterhood” is that we are so easily offended.  Some people don’t want to hear the truth about themselves….and when some one tells us the truth we get mad at them and never speak to them again….

If that’s the case no wonder why you don’t have any friends…I wouldn’t want to tell your butt nothing too if everything I did so you stop talking to me for days…keep an open mind and be teachable. Understand that some people may have better experiences and actually know what they are talking about despite your beliefs…

It hurts me to know that people are alone in a hard cold world trying to fight it alone…Am I my sisters keep? You got that right and my brother’s keeper! Cause if there is power in numbers then I am side by side fighting with them and not against them.  I'm loving and not hurting…I am encouraging and not badgering…

I hope that if you lack support and friends in your world. You think about what I said and try and find yourself some healthy relationships that will enrich and empower you to stand strong and be the best you can be…then…play it forward…

Destiny..You and Me

Drifting I’m slipping into a reality created for just you and me… I find myself daydreaming of the beautiful times we spent…captivated in a love created for you and me…

Drawn to you I am entangled in the essence of who you are…as you reveal yourself to me daily I become more in love with you…human yet with superpowers I have found all that need in the one created just for me…

Defined by your love of me, I feel the peace when its just you and me, we’ve become three…You me and He, no three fold cord is easy broken. We are now complete, strong and powerful to conquer the world around us…

Determined to allow myself to be enthralled by your strong presence and masculine smell…I surrender myself to you and allow you to protect me as I know you will. You my love generate a need for me to be secure in who were created together…

You and I, He and we, all complete to do what we were predestined to be…since before we were in our mothers womb…our destiny complete!

OMG! Is that her...you know what?

The constant alert from his cell phone was becoming annoying, I wanted to throw it across the room.  As I begun to say honey you’ve another text coming through…my finger pressed the accept button accidently.  Though I attempt to void my action…what appeared destracted and caught my attention…I thought to myself. OMG! What’s this? OMG, it's a vagina! She sent a picture to my husband of her vagina!...and is that herpes’s outbreak? I’m totally furious, hurt, and confused at the same time….Heck, I don’t even know how to respond appropriately. I mean what is this? Who does this? As I examine the origin of this picture mail.  I find the number and area code gives me some confidence that my husband had never seen this woman before...

Do I have to say that I completely looked through his phone? And why did I do that?Cause not only did I find random pictures of other women vagina’s, breasts, buttocks and masturbation styles, I find that my husband exchanged photos of his penis…my penis… of him masturbating…erect and full body…I 'm in tears and don’t know what to do…

Arbitrary thoughts flooded my mind…In the beginning, I rationalized what I saw with statements like… “Well she is in whatever state, he really didn’t have sex with her”  Then, I thought, these are real people…they are not paid professionals whose job was to take photos and/or play as porn star.  These were everyday women, who may have had her own husband and children.  Still, I had no ideal how to respond to such a betrayal? Or was it betrayal. If he never touched them before…was he cheating? 

Because I had so many questions I'll be honest and report that I didn’t do a thing to address this with my husband. It wasn’t until he sent me the very picture of his penis that he sent to at least a thousand other women that I snapped.

I'm like how dare you? Share what was legally and rightfully mine to every women in the world and expect me to be turned on.  Well, I am not turned on as I matter of fact I don’t really particularly want to look at your limp dick….and I surely don’t want to have sex with it since the world has seen it….

Now, to this day nearly divorced and separated for years I did'nt know how to properly deal with this situation.  I really didn’t know how I felt about the new term they call “Sexting.”  Is it like pornography or not? I haven’t a clue…All I know is that to me it didn’t feel right …Nothing about his choice made me feel as if I was secure in our marriage.

As time has moved along I’m realizing that 'sexting" is a popular activity.  Not for me…I mean maybe I would be interested in sending pictures to my soon to be husband. But to feel comfortable with my husband receiving, seeing and enjoying another women’s picture of her vagina is will not happen.  To me it’s no different then him actually having oral or sexual intercourse and would be considered grounds for divorce.   But again that’s my new found conclusion of this experience. Do you have any thoughts about sexting?

You are amazing to me...

I come in contact with some pretty amazing people on a daily basis. People of all types of socio-economic, educational and religious backgrounds and I would admit that I love those in my world. I am blessed daily though I have everyday struggles like most people.  It really hurts me when others look at people who are different from them and judge simply because they are different. It bothers me even more when some discriminate and wrongly treat others in a harsh way just because they don’t understand them. 

In an ideal world I wish we all find value and worth from everyone around them.  It would be awesome if we could not only learn from those who are different from us but also respect them for their difference.  I hope that others see that they are important to me despite our differences and disagreements.

I bet you are wondering why I am saying all this…well it’s because I am enraged at self righteous people who look down on others because of their individual ideologies.  I’m often angered when those who are privileged spew their outrageous antics of their beliefs on others with out any regard to the other parties’ feelings. 

I don’t know….maybe I am feeling like this because it’s the holiday season and I am filled with so much peace and joy and I would like to share with everyone…or maybe I am seeing a real life problem that needs to be address. I am not sure which one it is or if its both…Nonetheless, I wish it would stop…I wish the ignorance and hate will stop…I hope we all find a common understanding with our fellow brother or sister…or human being and begin to care for them and love them regardless to your differences. 

I mean I understand you or we will be offended by others and their actions…But we can choose to get over it. We can make a decision to forgive and let go for the good of all those involved.  That’s my blog and I am sticking with it today…maybe next time I will have something nicer to talk about but today…I want to acknowledge that people are hurting and they are hurting because of other people…and how sad is that?

shhhhhhhhhhh, should I tell him?

Okay, I’m sitting in bed so excited about this new blog. I’m in the middle of my thoughts of what I would like to share with you next…and I’m confronted with the fact that I haven’t told my man that I have this blog. A over whelming feeling came over me; and I’m reminded that I’m keeping a secret from my man. 

Please understand it’s not like I’ve never kept a secrets in past relationships. Consequently, at this point I’m like …Leola, you’re outta control. You can get through life without telling him every single thing.  The only thing is this simple secret is gnawing at me and I feel like he is going to see right through me and know I am keeping something from him.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’d be the first to admit that I started this blog with every intention of keeping it from him. Very excited about my next discussion…I thought…I’d love to write about unintelligent and insignificant women when he calls. Boy. That’s all I needed…. Before I knew it “I got a blog” flew right out of my mouth.

So, here I am with today’s blog and it’s not about stupid and trifling women. But it’s about me and why I can’t keep my mouth shut.  For the life of me I cannot understand why I’ve a need to tell him everything and why is it I can’t keep a simple none threatening secret?

I’m pissed. Because it’s not like I'm cheating or lying. Is this a normal process for couples, you know  “normal” couples? Or am I the only woman in the world that can’t keep a secret from her man? Honestly I now wonder what is wrong with me that I've to share everything with Him.

It's true, I  look forward to the times we can talk and so i can tell him everything I know. I mean that wasn’t told to my in confidence (for real, I dont tell him my friends business).  Anyways, for real y'all if I can’t tell him then who could I tell.  In contrast however, I wonder where did the feeling that I did somthing wrong come from..  Or do you feel like I was wrong for wanting to keep my little secret to myself & not share it with the love of my life?

I wanted to know if I’m crazy or something.  So I asked a few friends what they thought about secrets in relationships. They concluded that it’s not a good thing. They believed that healthy relationships require open communication and if someone feels they need to keep a secret they are most likly not in a healthy relationship.  One person had the nerve to state that secrets could be consider as glamorized lying by omission…The nerve of them! Right!

But for real y'all, I don’t want to be guilty of lying by omission…I just wanted to keep my secret because it was mines to keep. Not really cause I couldn’t even keep it.  Okay…enough about me…We determined that secrets unless you are surprising your mate with something special can only lead to deceit and hiding…and I don’t have to tell you all, that’s not good. 

So, with all that I've learned about holding secrets I still wanna know what others think. Do people keep secrets from their partners more then they like? If so what is the point of keeping a secret with the one you love if your intentions are not deceptive? Well, I’m going to continue to think about secrets and relationships and see what I come up with, you, you do the same and don’t forget to share your outcome with others right here on Leola ponders…..

I am here, in me

Here I am. I am here, I was lost many times b4…I’ve found me again, finally; I see who I was created to be. I reach for it…its in my grasps….I can feel it on my finger tips…me in my hands again….after searching for my own self …

I have a smile on my face, like the sun dancing on my bare skin…causing me to glow and radiate through the storms of my yesterday.  Yesterday’s memoirs bitter, gnawing tormenting thoughts of those things of my past. They are no longer here. No one telling me I will never amount to anything, no one claiming in my bed, tryin to share their perverted love on me, no one making me feel as if I wasn’t even created to be anything but a seed of the demon, the demon that spawned me…

Yes, distant memories they have become. Joy is set before now. I can see and hear a better position for me. I heard the words of my creator. He told me I am, I am like him. I am the apple of his eye!

What, I do not apologize that I have been created for greatness. The Father of lights called me forth and so I am what he intended for me alone.   I’ve finally embraced the newness of me… finding myself again. I dance to new music and sing a new song…A song that was meant from me to sing. I’ve found me again, finally; I see how I was created to be.

I reached for it…it was in my grasps. I could feel it on my finger tips….NOW, I got it. I have me in my hands, and I’m in my master hands. And he has me protected like all those he loves and never will I have to rehearse the lies that were once told…

Today’s memories, fruit bearing, life giving, abundance of plan ole joy! Joy escapes me, even when I attempt to hold it within. My insides jumps at the very thought of having me again, giving again…giving all that I was created to give.

 I’ve found me again...finally; I see who I was created to be. I grabbed it…I am in my grasp.. I am in my hands…I surrender me to he who created me…I am here!  

You Love me

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Random Thoughts of you....

Each day ended is another day closer 2 when I will find myself with you. Time is quickly approaching though it appears to stand still cause you are not here. I will wrap my thoughts in the essence of who you are & sing a song that will captivate & illustrate the purest memory I have of you. Mi Amore, only my God cud create u just 4 me.

I smell the amora of your sweet nectar, it draws me closer to you. Gently I engluf your delicious juice. Ripe you come to me determined to assist me to embrace the essence of you. I'm enchanted with your strenght & contrasting tenderness. I comply. I taste you on my lips & devour you, you sustain me, you provide me nutrients to live...now I hunger for more!

Your broken Heart

Bro ken into pieces I find myself. Not sure where you begin & I ended you'd become apart of me. You evaporated as I inhaled you in the fibers of who I am. I can't fathom the fact that NOW that I've surrendered to you. You here with me, in me, you & me, we...I've finds us shattered & I'm left 2 pick us up alone...

Kudos to you

I'm just n awe of u. Ur luv is amazing and non failing. U r wonderful and great! The very thought of u sends me n2 a worship that no other can bring 2 my lips...I SCREAM at the top of my lungs....MIGHTY AND POWERFUL R U!

Just in case you didn’t know, I think your splendid…I think about you every chance I get…I call on your name many times…in many instances just because you are. You have helped me get through some of the most difficult times and you have loved me even at my worst…you Rock! You are the Rock… you are my rock and from the depths of my heart I’m sending kudos to u.

I lose myself in you.

Meditation of your grandeur sends me to a place few have been…I seek to however be comfortable in that place and stay awhile. I linger in your beautiful presence and give you apart of me. I give that part that continues to pull me from you. For I understand only there I will become better, and fabulous as u. I lose myself n u!

I rise!

Waking to the birds chirping, tree leaves dancing side to side as the morning breeze sweep past them tenderly. Sun purposefully place in the sky to offer light, a worship song escapes my lips as I am in awe of a powerful Deity.  Breath evades my lips as I close my eyes and entangle my thoughts to line up with what He says about me. I recall from ancient scrolls words that provide me with life. These words become my thought and thought become my sayings and sayings become who I truly am. I am he, he is me and we together will conquer a world that was intended to deceive. We will speak together as we are co-labors; we provoke, invoke, promote and proclaim what is truth and not reality. No longer sitting passively, deciding that the reality is what my life will be. Instead I aggressively fight taking what it truly mines by force. I reach down inside of me, my lips become my sword and the words from my mouth are life, life more abundantly I feel strength rise from within as I denounce the lies that were intended to destroy me. I am now at peace and joy flowing from me, His light now shines because I’ve simply made the decision that this matrix is truly not my home….I am an ambassador and I have diplomatic immunity from this world.  I rise!!! Leola

Text reply....to your "I Still Love you"

Awaken to the text alert from my phone to receive the thoughts of my reminder day…2 am in the morning is the time you thought of me to tell me “ I still love U” Wow,  was my first response; I must admit as those words greeted me….quickly I thought who is this because I have deleted you from me memory…from my contacts in my phone, from the very existence of you being in my world… once I realized it was you the very one that held my yielding heart in his hands…. the nerve of him….Love me! This could not be! Why didn’t you love enough to be faithful and true to me? Why didn’t you love me enough to come home and spend time with me? Why you didn’t love me enough to be my friend and treat me like you loved yourself? Emotions of confusion flow through my mind when I say What??? Are you kidding me? You lied, cheated, stole, and was just plain ole mean to me and I am suppose to believe “You still love me” that would be implying that you loved me in the first place.  That would suggest that you even liked me when the only memories I have of you are pain…hurt, betrayal and rejection. So yes I believe in some twisted way you had some affection for me…but “love isn’t the word I say…as these every words populate in my mind…it makes my heart race and mind jump to the many memories that recommends that I remember how far I’ve come to get out of this snare…I think about the emotional rollercoaster’s and how they were the norm life. I remember the pain of always being alone and quickly I think I am no longer obligated to dignify this with an answer. Though I do…I share the same thoughts with him as I do you…You were my husband you love me not…I gave you my heart you crushed it and left me to die…die… I reflect back to when I was in a coma…I could not recognize myself others who knew me did not know who I was. Always asking me where was I, when I was here…Barely existing because you stole the essence of me… I was so entrapped with the commitment I made to you that day! Now you say “I still love U” how could those words be so simple to say when you should have gone to jail for attempted murder…Because you almost murdered me!

The reality is; it hurts to know that I had to break a promise to you and God just to stay alive…No I understand you almost never hit me…Only that one time when you quickly realized that wasn’t me…I woman that would let you get away with battering …but you would fix me wouldn’t you….You will fill me with empty promises and leave me alone wondering if they would ever be….you would deny me your love, your touch and loyalty.  You would make me feel like there was hope only to be let down again….Little did I know that even in this I was still going through a cycle …a cycle of violence…Shhhhhhhhh….I said it..it true…Instead of beating me into submission with your fist you just made me feel like I was losing my mind. You just didn’t answer you phone when I needed you if I wasn’t a “good girl.” You just refused to come home days at a time so I would want to make things better for you, not make waves.… you neglected me…lying and at the same time making me feel like its my fault you are doing it…Is it was my fault you stuck your penis in those women? Is it my fault you spent your whole check on drugs? Is it my fault you refused to come home because what….Because I loved you…loved you for real!  Because I believed in you…Because I believed in my love for you…Because I saw something in you, you could not see in yourself…

Well,  I am not that women anymore! I am stronger and better…and if you sent your “I still love u” text then…maybe I would consider you as my husband…now you are just another guy…one that has wounded me…one that will never have the opportunity to hurt me again…one who will never need to lie, or cheat on me…you are no longer infectious in my thoughts, mind or heart….you are.. a distant memory…here is my expression of your “I still love u…” do with it as you will…I have…

Withered by your Words

Closed a bloom n flower you found me, attempting to weather the storms that were devouring me. You greeted me with a tender touch and warm embrace a security I believed I hadn’t known before... secure enough as if there was sunshine I open for you, eager to show my hidden beauty. Vulnerable I surrendered 2 u my sensitive & delicate softness…Trusting I gave way 2 the closed stance I once had before… now I’m left battered by the fruit of your lips. Withered I’ve no defenses as your proclaimed love for me once brought forth life… Now, I feel weak with disbelief as I attempt to protect myself from the bitterness of your words. Naked I am hurt and alone for I am not sure if you really understand that your tone and words causes a death that only I can feel. I die from inside out, I lean and drift from side to side as I am no longer strong. Your words are like a scalpel slowly penetrating my skin cause life to seep from its wounds. I lie here once closed yet still blooming, then strong and full of hope and helpless and withered…dying not by your touch but by your words…

It takes two 2 keep us fresh

Okay. You got me! You won! I am yours and I love chosen to love you daily. Why is it however that now I’ve surrender to you that I’m left wondering if you are interested in me?  I mean, when you were chasing me it was awesome. I loved all the text messages and hidden notes of love that you left around for me. I enjoyed your soft kisses for no reason. But now that you got me it seems as if you have forgotten about all the things you did to get me. I mean I am not talking about the money you spent but the things that created wonderful thoughts of you…of us. Now, I feel like its been only 6 months since I’ve decided that I want you in my world full time and already you fail to send me a I love you…More importantly you fail to return the I love you’s when I sent you one.

So, I am left wondering what is on your mind.  Is it just like that…I mean why do you chase me all strong and then simply act like now I gotcha I don’t need to do anything to keep you.  Well, if you think like that you are sadly mistaken.  Cause look at it like this…if I were to give you all the sex you wanted before we got married and then after we were married I maybe gave you some once a month…I’m sure we would have a problem.  So, why is it okay for you to play with my emotional needs…If I am expected to ensure your physical needs are meet then you should be required to ensure my emotional needs are met. After all it takes two to have a good relationship.