Awaken to the text alert from my phone to receive the thoughts of my reminder day…2 am in the morning is the time you thought of me to tell me “ I still love U” Wow, was my first response; I must admit as those words greeted me….quickly I thought who is this because I have deleted you from me memory…from my contacts in my phone, from the very existence of you being in my world… once I realized it was you the very one that held my yielding heart in his hands…. the nerve of him….Love me! This could not be! Why didn’t you love enough to be faithful and true to me? Why didn’t you love me enough to come home and spend time with me? Why you didn’t love me enough to be my friend and treat me like you loved yourself? Emotions of confusion flow through my mind when I say What??? Are you kidding me? You lied, cheated, stole, and was just plain ole mean to me and I am suppose to believe “You still love me” that would be implying that you loved me in the first place. That would suggest that you even liked me when the only memories I have of you are pain…hurt, betrayal and rejection. So yes I believe in some twisted way you had some affection for me…but “love isn’t the word I say…as these every words populate in my mind…it makes my heart race and mind jump to the many memories that recommends that I remember how far I’ve come to get out of this snare…I think about the emotional rollercoaster’s and how they were the norm life. I remember the pain of always being alone and quickly I think I am no longer obligated to dignify this with an answer. Though I do…I share the same thoughts with him as I do you…You were my husband you love me not…I gave you my heart you crushed it and left me to die…die… I reflect back to when I was in a coma…I could not recognize myself others who knew me did not know who I was. Always asking me where was I, when I was here…Barely existing because you stole the essence of me… I was so entrapped with the commitment I made to you that day! Now you say “I still love U” how could those words be so simple to say when you should have gone to jail for attempted murder…Because you almost murdered me!
The reality is; it hurts to know that I had to break a promise to you and God just to stay alive…No I understand you almost never hit me…Only that one time when you quickly realized that wasn’t me…I woman that would let you get away with battering …but you would fix me wouldn’t you….You will fill me with empty promises and leave me alone wondering if they would ever be….you would deny me your love, your touch and loyalty. You would make me feel like there was hope only to be let down again….Little did I know that even in this I was still going through a cycle …a cycle of violence…Shhhhhhhhh….I said it..it true…Instead of beating me into submission with your fist you just made me feel like I was losing my mind. You just didn’t answer you phone when I needed you if I wasn’t a “good girl.” You just refused to come home days at a time so I would want to make things better for you, not make waves.… you neglected me…lying and at the same time making me feel like its my fault you are doing it…Is it was my fault you stuck your penis in those women? Is it my fault you spent your whole check on drugs? Is it my fault you refused to come home because what….Because I loved you…loved you for real! Because I believed in you…Because I believed in my love for you…Because I saw something in you, you could not see in yourself…
Well, I am not that women anymore! I am stronger and better…and if you sent your “I still love u” text then…maybe I would consider you as my husband…now you are just another guy…one that has wounded me…one that will never have the opportunity to hurt me again…one who will never need to lie, or cheat on me…you are no longer infectious in my thoughts, mind or heart….you are.. a distant memory…here is my expression of your “I still love u…” do with it as you will…I have…
The reality is; it hurts to know that I had to break a promise to you and God just to stay alive…No I understand you almost never hit me…Only that one time when you quickly realized that wasn’t me…I woman that would let you get away with battering …but you would fix me wouldn’t you….You will fill me with empty promises and leave me alone wondering if they would ever be….you would deny me your love, your touch and loyalty. You would make me feel like there was hope only to be let down again….Little did I know that even in this I was still going through a cycle …a cycle of violence…Shhhhhhhhh….I said it..it true…Instead of beating me into submission with your fist you just made me feel like I was losing my mind. You just didn’t answer you phone when I needed you if I wasn’t a “good girl.” You just refused to come home days at a time so I would want to make things better for you, not make waves.… you neglected me…lying and at the same time making me feel like its my fault you are doing it…Is it was my fault you stuck your penis in those women? Is it my fault you spent your whole check on drugs? Is it my fault you refused to come home because what….Because I loved you…loved you for real! Because I believed in you…Because I believed in my love for you…Because I saw something in you, you could not see in yourself…
Well, I am not that women anymore! I am stronger and better…and if you sent your “I still love u” text then…maybe I would consider you as my husband…now you are just another guy…one that has wounded me…one that will never have the opportunity to hurt me again…one who will never need to lie, or cheat on me…you are no longer infectious in my thoughts, mind or heart….you are.. a distant memory…here is my expression of your “I still love u…” do with it as you will…I have…
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